The Spectrum of Listening
Being a good listener is one of the best traits I think a person can have. When you can truly listen to others, you can change the world. As Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak”. I’m sure we can all think of instances where we experienced speaking with a good listener and with a bad listener. Which one would you rather have a conversation with? I think we would all say the former.
So what makes a good and a bad listener? I’m not a fan of extreme black or white thinking (remember the cognitive distortion polarized thinking?), so let’s instead consider a spectrum of listening.
On one end, bad listening is when you’re completely distracted and not at all paying attention to the speaker. Even worse, you may be pretending to listen, throwing in a “yeah”, “wow”, or “that’s crazy” every now and then. How frustrating! This distracted listening often leaves the speaker feeling unimportant and unappreciated.
Speaker: I’m frustrated with my friend because she always leaves me on read.
Listener: Yeah…
In the middle of the spectrum is subjective listening. This is when you are paying attention to what the speaker is saying but only in how it relates to you. You only focus on the words, then direct your attention to either how you’re going to respond or how you would handle the situation, or how it relates to something you’ve experienced.
Speaker: I’m frustrated with my friend because she always leaves me on read.
Listener: Ugh, I hate that! I have a friend like that, and this one time…
On the other end, good listening pertains to the highest form of listening: intuitive listening. This type of listening is when you pay attention to all aspects of the speaker - their words, tone of voice, body language, energy level. You also intuitively notice what they may not be saying. This form of listening allows you to connect to the speaker and their true message. When you’re intuitively listening you are fully engaged and focused on the speaker without being distracted by what you’re going to say in response or any other thoughts or external factors. The speaker is left feeling heard and seen.
Speaker: I’m frustrated with my friend because she always leaves me on read.
Listener: It seems like this is really upsetting you because your friend is important to you and is making you feel like you’re less important. Tell me more.
Now, we can’t all be intuitive listeners all of the time, but I encourage you to catch yourself when you’re falling on the lower spectrum of listening. And when it’s obvious someone has come to you to confide in and have a deep conversation, practice the skills of intuitive listening. You’ll be amazed by how much of an impact it can make.
Lots of love,
Andrea
